


tried to keep you close to me, but life got in between.

by LonelySparrow



Series: you wanted love but I wanted you [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, pure angst because i need to let my emotions out, the asian awards
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-18
Updated: 2015-04-18
Packaged: 2018-03-23 12:22:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3768037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LonelySparrow/pseuds/LonelySparrow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn's at the Asian Awards. Niall calls him. Pure angst.</p>
            </blockquote>





	tried to keep you close to me, but life got in between.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't know them, please don't show 'em. Thanks.

From the moment he stepped out of the car to the second he sat down in his seat, his mobile felt like it would burn a hole in his pocket. It was an itch that he couldn’t scratch and as the night went on and more and more people accepted awards, his reserve began to wane. He wanted to check social media. What were people saying about him? Would they even care? How many people were angry, irritated at him? Did they like his hair? Those old insecurities were brimming beneath the surface. This time, he didn’t have four other people to rely on—to tell him that he _was_ a great singer or that he _deserved_ to sit among all of these people.  
  
His phone vibrates in his pocket.  
  
Logically, he knows it is probably just his dad wanting to tell him how proud he is, how it is to see his only son stand up there and represent a part of the Asian community, and do it next to his mum.  
  
There’s bottle service all evening and his mum’s been enjoying the different wines and sparkling champagnes. He’s proud that he can take her to places like this. He wants to give her everything, because he could do this for years and it still wouldn’t be enough to repay her for everything she’s done for him. She believed in him when nobody else would and she’s the one that gave him the courage to end things.  
  
His pocket vibrates again and when the waitress turns away to fill up someone else’s glass and the camera pans to the stage to watch a tall woman accept her award for Outstanding and Influential Female, he slips his mobile out of his pocket. He tries to be inconspicuous, but when he sees the name at the top of the screen he feels his chest clench. He clears his throat and touches his fingers to his mum’s hand.  
  
“I’m going to the toilet,” He says softly in her ear. She nods at him, tells him to hurry back so he doesn’t miss much. He kisses her on the cheek and then gives Jawaad a look – _take care of her, I’ll be back._ He knows his mum is perfectly capable on her own, but he loves her so much. Would go to the ends of the earth for her and he’s just…he’s just glad she’s here. He doesn’t think he could have showed up tonight if it wasn’t for her. She’s the stitches and the thread that’s holding him together.  
  
He makes his way past the cameras and down the aisles to the back of the room where ushers point him toward the bathrooms. He doesn’t actually get there. He stops instead at a little alcove where he shouldn’t be overheard and redials the number that had previously called him.  
  
“You think a haircut and a nose piercing is going to help you figure it all out?” Niall spits.  
  
“Niall, I—“  
  
“No. You don’t get to talk. You’ve done enough talking. Actually, you haven’t done enough talking that’s what it really is. You just left. You left us. You didn’t even tell us…you didn’t tell _me_ in person. I had to hear it over the phone form a lawyer of all people.”  
  
“You want to do this now?”  
  
“It’s as good as any other time. _You_ left in the middle of a tour if I remember correctly.”  
  
“Niall, love,”  
  
“ _Don’t call me that._ ”  
  
He’s stunned. All the years Zayn’s known the blonde, he’s never used that kind of tone. Ever.  
  
“You look real normal up there. All dressed in a pressed suit with your best buddy up there smiling for pictures. Saying you’ll remember us. Will you? Will you remember us? Will you remember me? Because I can still feel your fingers on my wrist and your mouth on my neck and I’m not going to forget that any time soon.”  
  
“Niall, it’s not like that. You know why I left. I had to do it for me. I want to be happy—“  
  
“We didn’t make you happy? I didn’t make you happy?”  
  
“Niall, listen to me,” Zayn raises his voice enough that the lady checking coats looks up. He shoots her a quick smile and turns his back on her so she can’t read his lips.  
  
“I thought I made you happy, Zayn. But it wasn’t enough. The band wasn’t enough and I’ll never be enough. ”  
  
“Niall, it was enough. It was, but now I’ve-I’ve found my sound. I’ve found my script and I’ve got to sing it. I still love you. You know that. I love you.”  
  
“No, don’t say it you’re making it so much worse,” Niall’s voice is gravel.  
  
“I can still say it because I mean it, Ni.”  
  
“No. You don’t. You’ve got a blonde fiancée and all the freedom you need now. You don’t get to say that. I’m not even sure you ever meant it,” Niall spits.  
  
“Of course I did, Niall. Of course I do! How’s your aussie girl, huh babes? She keeping you happy. You don’t get to call the kettle black Niall,” Zayn touches a hand to his temple, at the headache that’s forming just behind his eyes. This was a good night. It was supposed to be a good night.  
  
“She’s doing a better job than you, Zayn,” Niall’s voice cracks and Zayn feels like he’s been punched in the gut.  
  
It’s silent for a long tense moment.  
  
“I have to go back now. I’ve got to watch a friend accept an award,” Zayn says sadly.  
  
It’s silent for another second and Zayn’s about to hang up when Niall’s voice comes through, soft and quiet, like he’s alone in a big empty room. He probably is. Zayn thinks of his little flat with the potted plants and the big grill and the black marble kitchen.  
  
“I didn’t mean to do this now, Z. I’m sorry. I-I-I’m sorry,” Niall pauses, “I just-I’m just proud of you okay? I hope you find your happiness again, Zayn. I hope that your nose piercing and your collaborations and your buzzcut help you figure out who you are. But tell me something, Z? You can change your appearance and the music you sing and where you live, but you’re still you Zayn. You’re still Muslim. You’re still associated with a boyband. You’re still in love with boys, Zayn. You can’t run from it. I’m sorry I couldn’t convince you that you would be accepted. I thought my acceptance was enough, but it’s really not is it? I still love you. That’s the only time I’m gonna say it, okay? I’ll always be here. I’ll always be proud of you. I just…I just miss you. Just, just go out there and be you okay? Don’t be afraid, don’t stand behind everyone and nod your head when you actually have words to say. You don’t have us to hide behind now. Just, just go be yourself Zayn Malik.”  
  
Zayn’s throat swells with a lump and he has to swallow several times before he nods his head. He knows Niall can’t hear him, but he just needed to collect himself.  
  
“I will Niall. I will. I’m gonna, I’m gonna go find my happiness. And I’ll come back to you, yeah babes? I’ll come back to you,” He says softly.  
  
“I don’t know. I don’t know if the new Zayn Malik will love the same Niall Horan, but if he does, I’ll be here.”  
  
“Niall, I lo-“  
  
But the line clicks dead.

  



End file.
